A patriotic gesture
The other day Nathan reported the curious fact that if one swallows a blueberry whole, it will pass integral through one's tract, plopping out the other end not very much the worse for wear, its coloration in particular intact; I then (or perhaps first?) relayed my sister's claim that if one eats a sufficient quantity of red beets, one's shit will be, at some future point, red itself (certainly in peeling them one's hands become red enough the multitudinous seas to incarnadine). This suggested to some—in particular, to someone who doesn't even know how to pronounce his own name, though he wasn't nearly as enthusiastic about the idea as weas I—imagine how I felt being shown up in such a fashion!—that all that was lacking was a way to get a bit of white in the mix, and one would have all and only the colors of the American flag. (Also all and only the colors of any number of other flags, but one can't be pickier than one's medium allows.)
The question is, what substance can perform this vital service? Nathan suggested titanium dioxide, but I wonder whether a sufficient quantity to make a difference would still be safe to consume. Also, of course, it's important that the white neither overpower the red entirely, nor dilute it to a pusillanimous pink; streaks of white in the red are what's wanted.
In other words, it's a complicated task, and that's why I'm not doing it this year. That, and it's almost certainly too late by now to get NEA funding.
Comments
on 2008-07-04 0:20:32.0, rone commented:
Nathan's fact makes me want to devise a plan to sell kopi-luwakesque blueberries to yuppies.
and, further, on 2008-07-04 14:13:20.0, My Alter Ego commented:
A barium enema ought to do the trick, though I guess you'd have to deduct points for it not passing all the way through the gastro-intestinal tract.
If you want to allow for non-food items, white glass marbles should make it through with their whiteness intact.
and, further, on 2008-07-04 15:41:40.0, JP Stormcrow commented:
Cultivating some manner of intestinal worm should work.
and, further, on 2008-07-04 16:48:21.0, ben wolfson commented:
I assume that would interfere with the beets and blueberries.
and, further, on 2008-07-04 17:13:01.0, abc commented:
white chalk
and, further, on 2008-07-04 17:35:57.0, bitchphd commented:
String. But not made of an absorbent material, because it would get dyed red. Plastic string, like maybe dental floss.
and, further, on 2008-07-05 12:03:56.0, ben wolfson commented:
I guess that if it really came to it, I could use toilet paper.
and, further, on 2008-07-07 13:22:00.0, Tom commented:
My suggestion for furthering this noble cause: white candle wax. Unlikely to kill you, and hydrophobic so as to repel the beets' redness.
Good luck, and we are no longer Flickr friends.
and, further, on 2008-07-11 23:06:09.0, Craig commented:
I still think that I say my name correctly -- or, at least, should be able to define my pronounciation of it as correct.